The Goddess and the Ugly Duckling: C50

Chapter: 50 | Lu Xiaobei Extra Part 2

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Lu Xiaobei Extra Part 2

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This novel was posted on cntranslations [dot] com, by anasiana. If you're not reading it there, you get what you get ￣へ￣)

_{My mother... she had never told me he had remarried.}
Back then, my mother had said to me, "That place is where your grandmother is, and your grandfather, too. It's also where you were born, so would you like to go there for a visit?"

My mother... she had never told me he had remarried.

_{Under a large rock, she had found a small white camellia with layer upon layer of petals staked above dark green leaves. The flower was not very beautiful, but it was full of life and a kind of vitality that made the thoughts and desire for a coming spring in one's heart sprout.}I liked The Netherlands, and I liked the village I grew up in for ten years of my life, but I didn't have much of an attachment to the school I was studying at during that time, so I asked my mother, "Do you still love him?"

Under a large rock, she had found a small white camellia with layer upon layer of petals staked above dark green leaves. The flower was not very beautiful, but it was full of life and a kind of vitality that made the thoughts and desire for a coming spring in one's heart sprout.

_{Our training instructor was especially fond of asking me to come upfront to demonstrate. I couldn't tell if he did so because me being doing meant the students in line would pay more attention, or if it was just because he didn't like me.}The lover I had once dreamed of was nothing like her, in terms of looks, stature of even personality.

Our training instructor was especially fond of asking me to come upfront to demonstrate. I couldn't tell if he did so because me being doing meant the students in line would pay more attention, or if it was just because he didn't like me.

_{From then on, when they saw me, a lot of the instructors would approach me to say hello, as well as ask me if I was trained. But the truth was the sparring matches we had that day was won by luck. My age and sex had simply made them lower their guards.}
I liked The Netherlands, and I liked the village I grew up in for ten years of my life, but I didn't have much of an attachment to the school I was studying at during that time, so I asked my mother, "Do you still love him?"

From then on, when they saw me, a lot of the instructors would approach me to say hello, as well as ask me if I was trained. But the truth was the sparring matches we had that day was won by luck. My age and sex had simply made them lower their guards.

_{I asked, but I already knew the answer. My mother still hadn't let my father go. She did go out on the weekends around that time and had drinks with some outstanding men from time to time, but even then, she had not forgotten him—the father I remember, but never truly had met.}Pulling open the back seat of the car my father brought me to while he placed my luggage in the trunk, I found there were already people inside the car, a woman seeming to be in her late twenties or early thirties along with five to six year old boy.

I asked, but I already knew the answer. My mother still hadn't let my father go. She did go out on the weekends around that time and had drinks with some outstanding men from time to time, but even then, she had not forgotten him—the father I remember, but never truly had met.

_{And the smile on her face as she did so was one without even the faintest trace of gloom.}◈◇◈

And the smile on her face as she did so was one without even the faintest trace of gloom.

_{My father then drove me to the restaurant my great aunt had booked, him doing so made me feel very grateful for his respect and understanding. It made me think that while I stayed in Nancheng our time together would be quite pleasant.}
I asked, but I already knew the answer. My mother still hadn't let my father go. She did go out on the weekends around that time and had drinks with some outstanding men from time to time, but even then, she had not forgotten him—the father I remember, but never truly had met.

My father then drove me to the restaurant my great aunt had booked, him doing so made me feel very grateful for his respect and understanding. It made me think that while I stayed in Nancheng our time together would be quite pleasant.

_{He said dad twice, the first dad was exclusive to him, while the second was just a common noun.}I still remember the the shocked look on my instructor's face from then, his jaw had even fallen.

He said dad twice, the first dad was exclusive to him, while the second was just a common noun.

_{According to others, my father was someone who greatly valued his progeny. So, all those years ago, if I wasn't still little, and his power and wealth was enough to compete with my mother's father, then there was no way he would've allowed me leave the country.}But in just a couple days I realised that was untrue. The more I envisioned that strong points of that supposed future lover, they could never compare to this genuine encounter.

According to others, my father was someone who greatly valued his progeny. So, all those years ago, if I wasn't still little, and his power and wealth was enough to compete with my mother's father, then there was no way he would've allowed me leave the country.

_{I still remember the the shocked look on my instructor's face from then, his jaw had even fallen.}
According to others, my father was someone who greatly valued his progeny. So, all those years ago, if I wasn't still little, and his power and wealth was enough to compete with my mother's father, then there was no way he would've allowed me leave the country.

I still remember the the shocked look on my instructor's face from then, his jaw had even fallen.

_{That day, on that quiet mountain, when the stream was cold and the surroundings were bleak, the mountains were just a swath a grey despite the sun shining above. All the colour was gone, and everything looked like an old black and white film.}Our training instructor was especially fond of asking me to come upfront to demonstrate. I couldn't tell if he did so because me being doing meant the students in line would pay more attention, or if it was just because he didn't like me.

That day, on that quiet mountain, when the stream was cold and the surroundings were bleak, the mountains were just a swath a grey despite the sun shining above. All the colour was gone, and everything looked like an old black and white film.

_{After his explanation, I recalled the words my mother said to me repeatedly for this moment back in the windmill country: {It's true you haven't seen him in many years, but when you do, still call him dad, understood?}}But I had replied, "I'm sorry for not telling you this earlier, but before I got on the plane I received a message from my great aunt, my grandmother's (her mother's mother) younger sister. She found out I was coming back to the country and brought her family to the city in advance, so I think I have to go stay with them for a couple days."

After his explanation, I recalled the words my mother said to me repeatedly for this moment back in the windmill country: It's true you haven't seen him in many years, but when you do, still call him dad, understood?

_{I had thought what I saw in her was nothing but the shadow of my former self, and that was why I couldn't help but be a bit kind to her as a way to make up for my past regrets.}Following this, apart from our initial greeting, not a sound was spoken from the seats behind us. Neither of us upfront had said anything further for a while so an awkward silence had now erupted within the car.

I had thought what I saw in her was nothing but the shadow of my former self, and that was why I couldn't help but be a bit kind to her as a way to make up for my past regrets.

_{Under a large rock, she had found a small white camellia with layer upon layer of petals staked above dark green leaves. The flower was not very beautiful, but it was full of life and a kind of vitality that made the thoughts and desire for a coming spring in one's heart sprout.}
So, after living in China for a few years, my mother mother took me to the Netherlands. My grandfather did not like how my mother was like this because she was hurt by love, and my mother was incredibly stubborn, as she took me all the way to a small village where there wasn't a single soul who knew us.

Under a large rock, she had found a small white camellia with layer upon layer of petals staked above dark green leaves. The flower was not very beautiful, but it was full of life and a kind of vitality that made the thoughts and desire for a coming spring in one's heart sprout.

_{Sometime later, he asked me, "Xiaobei, are you still planning to come back home and stay with us?"}In their place I replied, "You should ask that question to your dad." With that, I closed the door. But I think the strength I used to do so was a lot more than I had intended, because when that door closed the strength I used closed it with a slam!

Sometime later, he asked me, "Xiaobei, are you still planning to come back home and stay with us?"

_{From there, he called out to me saying, "You can just call her Aunt."}
In the future, when my mother had become stronger and no longer believed I couldn't be taken away by my father again, she was willing to let me go and allow me go see my roots.

From there, he called out to me saying, "You can just call her Aunt."

_{I had thought what I saw in her was nothing but the shadow of my former self, and that was why I couldn't help but be a bit kind to her as a way to make up for my past regrets.}Perhaps... somewhere in in my heart, I was longing to have a father, too.

I had thought what I saw in her was nothing but the shadow of my former self, and that was why I couldn't help but be a bit kind to her as a way to make up for my past regrets.

_◈◇◈The words I had wanted to say in response to him had gotten stuck in my throat.

◈◇◈

_{The words I had wanted to say in response to him had gotten stuck in my throat.}
Before I left, I had asked my mother if all the years she had spent holding on to her feelings were worth it, to which she replied, "Love is the most uncontrollable thing in the world. And only when you meet the person for you, when you see him with your own eyes, you'll understand. You'll see for yourself if it was worth it or not."

The words I had wanted to say in response to him had gotten stuck in my throat.

_N/APerhaps... somewhere in in my heart, I was longing to have a father, too.

N/A

_{Life in Nancheng was neither good nor bad.}
My mother never answered my question directly, but it didn't matter to me. I would be going there myself to see. I would go see my father and I will go visit the homeland of my grandmother that was always in my dreams.

Life in Nancheng was neither good nor bad.

_◈◇◈I was stupefied at that time, so after hurriedly rising to my feet I then said, "Instructor, Sir! A move like that could possibly be utilized by a gangster in an attack as well, Sir!"

◈◇◈

_{I was stupefied at that time, so after hurriedly rising to my feet I then said, "Instructor, Sir! A move like that could possibly be utilized by a gangster in an attack as well, Sir!"}
And with that, I boarded the plane to return the country of my birth.

I was stupefied at that time, so after hurriedly rising to my feet I then said, "Instructor, Sir! A move like that could possibly be utilized by a gangster in an attack as well, Sir!"

◈◇◈

_{In addition, my company's instructor named me the captain of our group.}
After I arrived in China, everything went along without a hitch.

In addition, my company's instructor named me the captain of our group.

_{My mother never answered my question directly, but it didn't matter to me. I would be going there myself to see. I would go see my father and I will go visit the homeland of my grandmother that was always in my dreams.}
At the airport terminal, there were a lot of people bustling about. Some had just left, while others had just returned. As I made my way out of customs and was about to call my father, he found me. Probably seeing that I was confused, he then explained, "Your mother mailed me a photo of you every year, so that's how I recognised you."

My mother never answered my question directly, but it didn't matter to me. I would be going there myself to see. I would go see my father and I will go visit the homeland of my grandmother that was always in my dreams.

_{While we were on break afterwards, a group of other instructors who had heard of the incident had gathered and offered to spar with me one after the other, I had won three times. When they saw I was feeling tired, they went back to their business.}Life in Nancheng was neither good nor bad.

While we were on break afterwards, a group of other instructors who had heard of the incident had gathered and offered to spar with me one after the other, I had won three times. When they saw I was feeling tired, they went back to their business.

_{I was worried he would try to invite me to dinner with his family again. I was accustomed to travelling alone and wasn't so good at forming close knitted relationships with others.}From then on, when they saw me, a lot of the instructors would approach me to say hello, as well as ask me if I was trained. But the truth was the sparring matches we had that day was won by luck. My age and sex had simply made them lower their guards.

I was worried he would try to invite me to dinner with his family again. I was accustomed to travelling alone and wasn't so good at forming close knitted relationships with others.

_{The lover I had once dreamed of was nothing like her, in terms of looks, stature of even personality.}When I awoke, no longer in those memories, I stared at Xiaoya's sleeping face for a long time. That fair face, with its delicate little nose, and little red speckles of pimples slept soundly and probably without a toss or a turn throughout the entire night since the only sound leaving her were shallow breaths.

The lover I had once dreamed of was nothing like her, in terms of looks, stature of even personality.

_{Back then, my mother had said to me, "That place is where your grandmother is, and your grandfather, too. It's also where you were born, so would you like to go there for a visit?"}
After his explanation, I recalled the words my mother said to me repeatedly for this moment back in the windmill country: It's true you haven't seen him in many years, but when you do, still call him dad, understood?

Back then, my mother had said to me, "That place is where your grandmother is, and your grandfather, too. It's also where you were born, so would you like to go there for a visit?"

_{Just like it was during my middle school years in the City of Diamonds when I wished to be accepted by my peers, once I held my sincere heart and carried it before them we'd...}
So, facing him, I smiled politely and greeted him with a dad, only because I was adhering to my mother's words. But that man, whose face was covered with an expression that any regular man wore, had his eyes suddenly burst into tears, making him quickly turn from my in hopes I hadn't noticed.

Just like it was during my middle school years in the City of Diamonds when I wished to be accepted by my peers, once I held my sincere heart and carried it before them we'd...

_{But in response to him I had said, "What a pity, you're not even a female instructor." Because back then, I thought I was only into fit, sporty girls who were older than me.}After his explanation, I recalled the words my mother said to me repeatedly for this moment back in the windmill country: It's true you haven't seen him in many years, but when you do, still call him dad, understood?

But in response to him I had said, "What a pity, you're not even a female instructor." Because back then, I thought I was only into fit, sporty girls who were older than me.

_{One day, after he had called me up again and again, maybe because I was in the sun for too long, because when he grabbed my hand, I instinctively aim a blow at his lower half with my foot, and when he faltered, I had easily restrained him.}
So... I pretended I hadn't seen a thing, too. I think... I think the old grudges of the past generations shouldn't be carried over to the ones of the present.

One day, after he had called me up again and again, maybe because I was in the sun for too long, because when he grabbed my hand, I instinctively aim a blow at his lower half with my foot, and when he faltered, I had easily restrained him.

_{In the future, when my mother had become stronger and no longer believed I couldn't be taken away by my father again, she was willing to let me go and allow me go see my roots.}From there, he called out to me saying, "You can just call her Aunt."

In the future, when my mother had become stronger and no longer believed I couldn't be taken away by my father again, she was willing to let me go and allow me go see my roots.

_{The lover I had once dreamed of was nothing like her, in terms of looks, stature of even personality.}And the smile on her face as she did so was one without even the faintest trace of gloom.

The lover I had once dreamed of was nothing like her, in terms of looks, stature of even personality.

_{There was also not much contact between her and me and regardless whose end it came from it was still a great relief. As for that younger brother of mine, he was still quite little and at that age were certain things were hard for him to understand.}And with that, I boarded the plane to return the country of my birth.

There was also not much contact between her and me and regardless whose end it came from it was still a great relief. As for that younger brother of mine, he was still quite little and at that age were certain things were hard for him to understand. So, following our initial unfamiliarity, he later stuck to my side like glue. I was especially fond of kids and knew it was possible I wouldn't have any of my own in the future, so this little brother of mine would most likely be the closest blood relative I'll have later on and made me not mind me hanging out with him from time to time.

_{Our training instructor was especially fond of asking me to come upfront to demonstrate. I couldn't tell if he did so because me being doing meant the students in line would pay more attention, or if it was just because he didn't like me.}
Perhaps... somewhere in in my heart, I was longing to have a father, too.

Our training instructor was especially fond of asking me to come upfront to demonstrate. I couldn't tell if he did so because me being doing meant the students in line would pay more attention, or if it was just because he didn't like me.

_{What's more, sitting with their family of three would have made me feel like the odd one out.}In their place I replied, "You should ask that question to your dad." With that, I closed the door. But I think the strength I used to do so was a lot more than I had intended, because when that door closed the strength I used closed it with a slam!

What's more, sitting with their family of three would have made me feel like the odd one out.

_N/A
Just like it was during my middle school years in the City of Diamonds when I wished to be accepted by my peers, once I held my sincere heart and carried it before them we'd...

N/A

_{The words I had wanted to say in response to him had gotten stuck in my throat.}But in response to him I had said, "What a pity, you're not even a female instructor." Because back then, I thought I was only into fit, sporty girls who were older than me.

The words I had wanted to say in response to him had gotten stuck in my throat.

_{But I had replied, "I'm sorry for not telling you this earlier, but before I got on the plane I received a message from my great aunt, my grandmother's (her mother's mother) younger sister. She found out I was coming back to the country and brought her family to the city in advance, so I think I have to go stay with them for a couple days."}◈◇◈

But I had replied, "I'm sorry for not telling you this earlier, but before I got on the plane I received a message from my great aunt, my grandmother's (her mother's mother) younger sister. She found out I was coming back to the country and brought her family to the city in advance, so I think I have to go stay with them for a couple days."

_{I was worried he would try to invite me to dinner with his family again. I was accustomed to travelling alone and wasn't so good at forming close knitted relationships with others.}
Pulling open the back seat of the car my father brought me to while he placed my luggage in the trunk, I found there were already people inside the car, a woman seeming to be in her late twenties or early thirties along with five to six year old boy.

I was worried he would try to invite me to dinner with his family again. I was accustomed to travelling alone and wasn't so good at forming close knitted relationships with others.

_◈◇◈Our training instructor was especially fond of asking me to come upfront to demonstrate. I couldn't tell if he did so because me being doing meant the students in line would pay more attention, or if it was just because he didn't like me.

◈◇◈

_{In the future, when my mother had become stronger and no longer believed I couldn't be taken away by my father again, she was willing to let me go and allow me go see my roots.}
Lifting my head, I looked back at my father. As he lifted my case into the trunk, his his face was flushed, his nose had tiny beads of sweat... he was not a young man any more and my luggage was also rather heavy.

In the future, when my mother had become stronger and no longer believed I couldn't be taken away by my father again, she was willing to let me go and allow me go see my roots.

_{The words I had wanted to say in response to him had gotten stuck in my throat.}When I awoke, no longer in those memories, I stared at Xiaoya's sleeping face for a long time. That fair face, with its delicate little nose, and little red speckles of pimples slept soundly and probably without a toss or a turn throughout the entire night since the only sound leaving her were shallow breaths.

The words I had wanted to say in response to him had gotten stuck in my throat.

_◈◇◈When I awoke, no longer in those memories, I stared at Xiaoya's sleeping face for a long time. That fair face, with its delicate little nose, and little red speckles of pimples slept soundly and probably without a toss or a turn throughout the entire night since the only sound leaving her were shallow breaths.

◈◇◈

_{But I had replied, "I'm sorry for not telling you this earlier, but before I got on the plane I received a message from my great aunt, my grandmother's (her mother's mother) younger sister. She found out I was coming back to the country and brought her family to the city in advance, so I think I have to go stay with them for a couple days."}
From there, he called out to me saying, "You can just call her Aunt."

But I had replied, "I'm sorry for not telling you this earlier, but before I got on the plane I received a message from my great aunt, my grandmother's (her mother's mother) younger sister. She found out I was coming back to the country and brought her family to the city in advance, so I think I have to go stay with them for a couple days."

_{According to others, my father was someone who greatly valued his progeny. So, all those years ago, if I wasn't still little, and his power and wealth was enough to compete with my mother's father, then there was no way he would've allowed me leave the country.}
My mother... she had never told me he had remarried.

According to others, my father was someone who greatly valued his progeny. So, all those years ago, if I wasn't still little, and his power and wealth was enough to compete with my mother's father, then there was no way he would've allowed me leave the country.

_{After his explanation, I recalled the words my mother said to me repeatedly for this moment back in the windmill country: {It's true you haven't seen him in many years, but when you do, still call him dad, understood?}}With pure joy and excitement all over her, she then ran over to me, saying, "Lu Xiaobei, there are flowers blooming here!"

After his explanation, I recalled the words my mother said to me repeatedly for this moment back in the windmill country: It's true you haven't seen him in many years, but when you do, still call him dad, understood?

_{But a turning point will be here soon.}When I awoke, no longer in those memories, I stared at Xiaoya's sleeping face for a long time. That fair face, with its delicate little nose, and little red speckles of pimples slept soundly and probably without a toss or a turn throughout the entire night since the only sound leaving her were shallow breaths.

But a turning point will be here soon.

_{The smile lifting the corners of lips had faltered a bit at my words, I could see he was disappointed, but he acted as tough nothing happened and asked, "Would you like to go back home and rest at the house a bit first? Your aunt started renovating your room three months ago to look like ones other girls in this country seem to like. You can check it out when we get back and it's no big deal if you don't like it either.}
I was not angry about that part, per se, and this was something common after all. But... a part of me still thought that after I had left the Netherlands, all those years my mother spent unable to forget would've somehow be mirrored here in China. I even had thoughts of the broken pieces of their marriage would have had a chance of being put back together.

The smile lifting the corners of lips had faltered a bit at my words, I could see he was disappointed, but he acted as tough nothing happened and asked, "Would you like to go back home and rest at the house a bit first? Your aunt started renovating your room three months ago to look like ones other girls in this country seem to like. You can check it out when we get back and it's no big deal if you don't like it either. You can change it to suit you as you'd like."

_{I had thought what I saw in her was nothing but the shadow of my former self, and that was why I couldn't help but be a bit kind to her as a way to make up for my past regrets.}But in just a couple days I realised that was untrue. The more I envisioned that strong points of that supposed future lover, they could never compare to this genuine encounter.

I had thought what I saw in her was nothing but the shadow of my former self, and that was why I couldn't help but be a bit kind to her as a way to make up for my past regrets.

_{So, after living in China for a few years, my mother mother took me to the Netherlands. My grandfather did not like how my mother was like this because she was hurt by love, and my mother was incredibly stubborn, as she took me all the way to a small village where there wasn't a single soul who knew us.}And with that, I boarded the plane to return the country of my birth.

So, after living in China for a few years, my mother mother took me to the Netherlands. My grandfather did not like how my mother was like this because she was hurt by love, and my mother was incredibly stubborn, as she took me all the way to a small village where there wasn't a single soul who knew us.

_{Sometime later, he asked me, "Xiaobei, are you still planning to come back home and stay with us?"}After sitting in the front passenger seat he then added, "I've booked our family a table at the best hotel in Nancheng to give you a proper welcome."

Sometime later, he asked me, "Xiaobei, are you still planning to come back home and stay with us?"

_{Sometime later, he asked me, "Xiaobei, are you still planning to come back home and stay with us?"}
Later down the road, I thought that if my mother had told me about this earlier then I would have never held these ridiculous fantasies to begin with and would've never gotten so angry. But in this life, there was never any ifs, what was done was done.

Sometime later, he asked me, "Xiaobei, are you still planning to come back home and stay with us?"

_{"Of course," I responded, it was something agreed upon with my mother when I was still overseas.}My mother never answered my question directly, but it didn't matter to me. I would be going there myself to see. I would go see my father and I will go visit the homeland of my grandmother that was always in my dreams.

"Of course," I responded, it was something agreed upon with my mother when I was still overseas.

_{In their place I replied, "You should ask that question to your dad." With that, I closed the door. But I think the strength I used to do so was a lot more than I had intended, because when that door closed the strength I used closed it with a slam!}
After sitting in the front passenger seat he then added, "I've booked our family a table at the best hotel in Nancheng to give you a proper welcome."

In their place I replied, "You should ask that question to your dad." With that, I closed the door. But I think the strength I used to do so was a lot more than I had intended, because when that door closed the strength I used closed it with a slam!

_{He said dad twice, the first dad was exclusive to him, while the second was just a common noun.}Back then, my mother had said to me, "That place is where your grandmother is, and your grandfather, too. It's also where you were born, so would you like to go there for a visit?"

He said dad twice, the first dad was exclusive to him, while the second was just a common noun.

_{Life in Nancheng was neither good nor bad.}He said dad twice, the first dad was exclusive to him, while the second was just a common noun.

Life in Nancheng was neither good nor bad.

_{In the days I spent at home, I felt more like a guest. The "lady" of the house prepared sumptuous dishes for me every day and did nothing to interfere with my freedom.}
To which I respond, "Thank you, but I just got off the plane and the jet lag still hasn't worn off as yet so I'd like to get some rest first."

In the days I spent at home, I felt more like a guest. The "lady" of the house prepared sumptuous dishes for me every day and did nothing to interfere with my freedom.

_{That day, on that quiet mountain, when the stream was cold and the surroundings were bleak, the mountains were just a swath a grey despite the sun shining above. All the colour was gone, and everything looked like an old black and white film.}
I was worried he would try to invite me to dinner with his family again. I was accustomed to travelling alone and wasn't so good at forming close knitted relationships with others.

That day, on that quiet mountain, when the stream was cold and the surroundings were bleak, the mountains were just a swath a grey despite the sun shining above. All the colour was gone, and everything looked like an old black and white film.

_{But a turning point will be here soon.}Our training instructor was especially fond of asking me to come upfront to demonstrate. I couldn't tell if he did so because me being doing meant the students in line would pay more attention, or if it was just because he didn't like me.

But a turning point will be here soon.

_{Perhaps... somewhere in in my heart, I was longing to have a father, too.}
What's more, sitting with their family of three would have made me feel like the odd one out.

Perhaps... somewhere in in my heart, I was longing to have a father, too.

_{Lifting my head, I looked back at my father. As he lifted my case into the trunk, his his face was flushed, his nose had tiny beads of sweat... he was not a young man any more and my luggage was also rather heavy.}
The smile lifting the corners of lips had faltered a bit at my words, I could see he was disappointed, but he acted as tough nothing happened and asked, "Would you like to go back home and rest at the house a bit first? Your aunt started renovating your room three months ago to look like ones other girls in this country seem to like. You can check it out when we get back and it's no big deal if you don't like it either. You can change it to suit you as you'd like."

Lifting my head, I looked back at my father. As he lifted my case into the trunk, his his face was flushed, his nose had tiny beads of sweat... he was not a young man any more and my luggage was also rather heavy.

_{I was very grateful towards him, though, because after training, my life had a few notable changes. The two most apparent was me gaining the nickname "Captain" what a lot of people used, and that the people coming to find me to give their confessions had fallen by a lot.}After I arrived in China, everything went along without a hitch.

I was very grateful towards him, though, because after training, my life had a few notable changes. The two most apparent was me gaining the nickname "Captain" what a lot of people used, and that the people coming to find me to give their confessions had fallen by a lot.

_{In addition, my company's instructor named me the captain of our group.}My mother never answered my question directly, but it didn't matter to me. I would be going there myself to see. I would go see my father and I will go visit the homeland of my grandmother that was always in my dreams.

In addition, my company's instructor named me the captain of our group.

_{But a turning point will be here soon.}
But I had replied, "I'm sorry for not telling you this earlier, but before I got on the plane I received a message from my great aunt, my grandmother's (her mother's mother) younger sister. She found out I was coming back to the country and brought her family to the city in advance, so I think I have to go stay with them for a couple days."

But a turning point will be here soon.

_{To my eyes, on that day, the pure while of that flower, and the bright red of her lips, were the only colours that were seen.}
Following this, apart from our initial greeting, not a sound was spoken from the seats behind us. Neither of us upfront had said anything further for a while so an awkward silence had now erupted within the car.

To my eyes, on that day, the pure while of that flower, and the bright red of her lips, were the only colours that were seen.

_{That day, on that quiet mountain, when the stream was cold and the surroundings were bleak, the mountains were just a swath a grey despite the sun shining above. All the colour was gone, and everything looked like an old black and white film.}And the smile on her face as she did so was one without even the faintest trace of gloom.

That day, on that quiet mountain, when the stream was cold and the surroundings were bleak, the mountains were just a swath a grey despite the sun shining above. All the colour was gone, and everything looked like an old black and white film.

_{After I arrived in China, everything went along without a hitch.}◈◇◈

After I arrived in China, everything went along without a hitch.

_{I was not angry about that part, per se, and this was something common after all. But... a part of me still thought that after I had left the Netherlands, all those years my mother spent unable to forget would've somehow be mirrored here in China. I even had thoughts of the broken pieces of their marriage would have had a chance of being put back together.}That day, on that quiet mountain, when the stream was cold and the surroundings were bleak, the mountains were just a swath a grey despite the sun shining above. All the colour was gone, and everything looked like an old black and white film.

I was not angry about that part, per se, and this was something common after all. But... a part of me still thought that after I had left the Netherlands, all those years my mother spent unable to forget would've somehow be mirrored here in China. I even had thoughts of the broken pieces of their marriage would have had a chance of being put back together.

_{Later down the road, I thought that if my mother had told me about this earlier then I would have never held these ridiculous fantasies to begin with and would've never gotten so angry. But in this life, there was never any ifs, what was done was done.}
Sometime later, he asked me, "Xiaobei, are you still planning to come back home and stay with us?"

Later down the road, I thought that if my mother had told me about this earlier then I would have never held these ridiculous fantasies to begin with and would've never gotten so angry. But in this life, there was never any ifs, what was done was done.

_{Perhaps... somewhere in in my heart, I was longing to have a father, too.}There was also not much contact between her and me and regardless whose end it came from it was still a great relief. As for that younger brother of mine, he was still quite little and at that age were certain things were hard for him to understand. So, following our initial unfamiliarity, he later stuck to my side like glue. I was especially fond of kids and knew it was possible I wouldn't have any of my own in the future, so this little brother of mine would most likely be the closest blood relative I'll have later on and made me not mind me hanging out with him from time to time.

Perhaps... somewhere in in my heart, I was longing to have a father, too.

_{While we were on break afterwards, a group of other instructors who had heard of the incident had gathered and offered to spar with me one after the other, I had won three times. When they saw I was feeling tired, they went back to their business.}
"Of course," I responded, it was something agreed upon with my mother when I was still overseas.

While we were on break afterwards, a group of other instructors who had heard of the incident had gathered and offered to spar with me one after the other, I had won three times. When they saw I was feeling tired, they went back to their business.

_{In the future, when my mother had become stronger and no longer believed I couldn't be taken away by my father again, she was willing to let me go and allow me go see my roots.}Later down the road, I thought that if my mother had told me about this earlier then I would have never held these ridiculous fantasies to begin with and would've never gotten so angry. But in this life, there was never any ifs, what was done was done.

In the future, when my mother had become stronger and no longer believed I couldn't be taken away by my father again, she was willing to let me go and allow me go see my roots.

_{After sitting in the front passenger seat he then added, "I've booked our family a table at the best hotel in Nancheng to give you a proper welcome."}
My father then drove me to the restaurant my great aunt had booked, him doing so made me feel very grateful for his respect and understanding. It made me think that while I stayed in Nancheng our time together would be quite pleasant.

After sitting in the front passenger seat he then added, "I've booked our family a table at the best hotel in Nancheng to give you a proper welcome."

_{What's more, sitting with their family of three would have made me feel like the odd one out.}After sitting in the front passenger seat he then added, "I've booked our family a table at the best hotel in Nancheng to give you a proper welcome."

What's more, sitting with their family of three would have made me feel like the odd one out.

_{I liked The Netherlands, and I liked the village I grew up in for ten years of my life, but I didn't have much of an attachment to the school I was studying at during that time, so I asked my mother, "Do you still love him?"}
After getting out the car, I went to the trunk to get my suitcase then went back to open the door to bid my father and his family farewell. "Goodbye, Dad," I said before turning to the woman then the boy, who also turned to look at me. As our gazes met, he went on to ask, "Why are you calling my dad, dad?"

I liked The Netherlands, and I liked the village I grew up in for ten years of my life, but I didn't have much of an attachment to the school I was studying at during that time, so I asked my mother, "Do you still love him?"

_◈◇◈What's more, sitting with their family of three would have made me feel like the odd one out.

◈◇◈

_{The day before out military training ended, our instructor had even asked me to exchange contact information.}When I awoke, no longer in those memories, I stared at Xiaoya's sleeping face for a long time. That fair face, with its delicate little nose, and little red speckles of pimples slept soundly and probably without a toss or a turn throughout the entire night since the only sound leaving her were shallow breaths.

The day before out military training ended, our instructor had even asked me to exchange contact information.

_{Lu Xiaobei Extra Part 2}
He said dad twice, the first dad was exclusive to him, while the second was just a common noun.

Lu Xiaobei Extra Part 2

_N/AAt Nancheng High, apart from my Chinese Language classes, there were no other classes that gave me any issues. What did make me feel awkward was the people who confessed to me when I was on campus, or would leave small notes stuck to my books. Coming out in the Netherlands meant the eyes watching you outright or secretly only doubled, but in a country like China, where acceptance of homosexuality was still not widespread, I had no intention of underestimating the curiosity of the people here.

N/A

_{Just like it was during my middle school years in the City of Diamonds when I wished to be accepted by my peers, once I held my sincere heart and carried it before them we'd...}After his explanation, I recalled the words my mother said to me repeatedly for this moment back in the windmill country: It's true you haven't seen him in many years, but when you do, still call him dad, understood?

Just like it was during my middle school years in the City of Diamonds when I wished to be accepted by my peers, once I held my sincere heart and carried it before them we'd...

_{What's more, sitting with their family of three would have made me feel like the odd one out.}Before I left, I had asked my mother if all the years she had spent holding on to her feelings were worth it, to which she replied, "Love is the most uncontrollable thing in the world. And only when you meet the person for you, when you see him with your own eyes, you'll understand. You'll see for yourself if it was worth it or not."

What's more, sitting with their family of three would have made me feel like the odd one out.

_{But there was also a frown between her brows, as if there was something heavy weighing on her mind. Anxious people tend to have brows knitted like this. I sincerely wish to caress those little crinkles causing her worries away, for her to have nothing but good fortune, for her to live a long and happy life.}
The words I had wanted to say in response to him had gotten stuck in my throat.

But there was also a frown between her brows, as if there was something heavy weighing on her mind. Anxious people tend to have brows knitted like this. I sincerely wish to caress those little crinkles causing her worries away, for her to have nothing but good fortune, for her to live a long and happy life.

_{Under a large rock, she had found a small white camellia with layer upon layer of petals staked above dark green leaves. The flower was not very beautiful, but it was full of life and a kind of vitality that made the thoughts and desire for a coming spring in one's heart sprout.}From there, he called out to me saying, "You can just call her Aunt."

Under a large rock, she had found a small white camellia with layer upon layer of petals staked above dark green leaves. The flower was not very beautiful, but it was full of life and a kind of vitality that made the thoughts and desire for a coming spring in one's heart sprout.

_{At the airport terminal, there were a lot of people bustling about. Some had just left, while others had just returned. As I made my way out of customs and was about to call my father, he found me. Probably seeing that I was confused, he then explained, "Your mother mailed me a photo of you every year, so that's how I recognised you."}
In their place I replied, "You should ask that question to your dad." With that, I closed the door. But I think the strength I used to do so was a lot more than I had intended, because when that door closed the strength I used closed it with a slam!

At the airport terminal, there were a lot of people bustling about. Some had just left, while others had just returned. As I made my way out of customs and was about to call my father, he found me. Probably seeing that I was confused, he then explained, "Your mother mailed me a photo of you every year, so that's how I recognised you."

◈◇◈

_{But even though I gained a huge sense of distance between my classmates and myself, preserving this comfort zone wasn't necessarily a good thing for me.}
Life in Nancheng was neither good nor bad.

But even though I gained a huge sense of distance between my classmates and myself, preserving this comfort zone wasn't necessarily a good thing for me.

_{Lifting my head, I looked back at my father. As he lifted my case into the trunk, his his face was flushed, his nose had tiny beads of sweat... he was not a young man any more and my luggage was also rather heavy.}My mother... she had never told me he had remarried.

Lifting my head, I looked back at my father. As he lifted my case into the trunk, his his face was flushed, his nose had tiny beads of sweat... he was not a young man any more and my luggage was also rather heavy.

_{It was also in that moment, that within my own heart, the flowers within them had finally bloomed.}Sometime later, he asked me, "Xiaobei, are you still planning to come back home and stay with us?"

It was also in that moment, that within my own heart, the flowers within them had finally bloomed.

_{There was also not much contact between her and me and regardless whose end it came from it was still a great relief. As for that younger brother of mine, he was still quite little and at that age were certain things were hard for him to understand.}
In the days I spent at home, I felt more like a guest. The "lady" of the house prepared sumptuous dishes for me every day and did nothing to interfere with my freedom.

There was also not much contact between her and me and regardless whose end it came from it was still a great relief. As for that younger brother of mine, he was still quite little and at that age were certain things were hard for him to understand. So, following our initial unfamiliarity, he later stuck to my side like glue. I was especially fond of kids and knew it was possible I wouldn't have any of my own in the future, so this little brother of mine would most likely be the closest blood relative I'll have later on and made me not mind me hanging out with him from time to time.

_{I was worried he would try to invite me to dinner with his family again. I was accustomed to travelling alone and wasn't so good at forming close knitted relationships with others.}Our training instructor was especially fond of asking me to come upfront to demonstrate. I couldn't tell if he did so because me being doing meant the students in line would pay more attention, or if it was just because he didn't like me.

I was worried he would try to invite me to dinner with his family again. I was accustomed to travelling alone and wasn't so good at forming close knitted relationships with others.

_{Lifting my head, I looked back at my father. As he lifted my case into the trunk, his his face was flushed, his nose had tiny beads of sweat... he was not a young man any more and my luggage was also rather heavy.}◈◇◈

Lifting my head, I looked back at my father. As he lifted my case into the trunk, his his face was flushed, his nose had tiny beads of sweat... he was not a young man any more and my luggage was also rather heavy.

_{I was stupefied at that time, so after hurriedly rising to my feet I then said, "Instructor, Sir! A move like that could possibly be utilized by a gangster in an attack as well, Sir!"}In the days I spent at home, I felt more like a guest. The "lady" of the house prepared sumptuous dishes for me every day and did nothing to interfere with my freedom.

I was stupefied at that time, so after hurriedly rising to my feet I then said, "Instructor, Sir! A move like that could possibly be utilized by a gangster in an attack as well, Sir!"

_{But in just a couple days I realised that was untrue. The more I envisioned that strong points of that supposed future lover, they could never compare to this genuine encounter.}
There was also not much contact between her and me and regardless whose end it came from it was still a great relief. As for that younger brother of mine, he was still quite little and at that age were certain things were hard for him to understand. So, following our initial unfamiliarity, he later stuck to my side like glue. I was especially fond of kids and knew it was possible I wouldn't have any of my own in the future, so this little brother of mine would most likely be the closest blood relative I'll have later on and made me not mind me hanging out with him from time to time.

But in just a couple days I realised that was untrue. The more I envisioned that strong points of that supposed future lover, they could never compare to this genuine encounter.

_{Following this, apart from our initial greeting, not a sound was spoken from the seats behind us. Neither of us upfront had said anything further for a while so an awkward silence had now erupted within the car.}Lu Xiaobei Extra Part 2

Following this, apart from our initial greeting, not a sound was spoken from the seats behind us. Neither of us upfront had said anything further for a while so an awkward silence had now erupted within the car.

_{While we were on break afterwards, a group of other instructors who had heard of the incident had gathered and offered to spar with me one after the other, I had won three times. When they saw I was feeling tired, they went back to their business.}According to others, my father was someone who greatly valued his progeny. So, all those years ago, if I wasn't still little, and his power and wealth was enough to compete with my mother's father, then there was no way he would've allowed me leave the country.

While we were on break afterwards, a group of other instructors who had heard of the incident had gathered and offered to spar with me one after the other, I had won three times. When they saw I was feeling tired, they went back to their business.

_{But even though I gained a huge sense of distance between my classmates and myself, preserving this comfort zone wasn't necessarily a good thing for me.}After his explanation, I recalled the words my mother said to me repeatedly for this moment back in the windmill country: It's true you haven't seen him in many years, but when you do, still call him dad, understood?

But even though I gained a huge sense of distance between my classmates and myself, preserving this comfort zone wasn't necessarily a good thing for me.

_{What's more, sitting with their family of three would have made me feel like the odd one out.}
At Nancheng High, apart from my Chinese Language classes, there were no other classes that gave me any issues. What did make me feel awkward was the people who confessed to me when I was on campus, or would leave small notes stuck to my books. Coming out in the Netherlands meant the eyes watching you outright or secretly only doubled, but in a country like China, where acceptance of homosexuality was still not widespread, I had no intention of underestimating the curiosity of the people here.

What's more, sitting with their family of three would have made me feel like the odd one out.

_{Later down the road, I thought that if my mother had told me about this earlier then I would have never held these ridiculous fantasies to begin with and would've never gotten so angry. But in this life, there was never any ifs, what was done was done.}The smile lifting the corners of lips had faltered a bit at my words, I could see he was disappointed, but he acted as tough nothing happened and asked, "Would you like to go back home and rest at the house a bit first? Your aunt started renovating your room three months ago to look like ones other girls in this country seem to like. You can check it out when we get back and it's no big deal if you don't like it either. You can change it to suit you as you'd like."

Later down the road, I thought that if my mother had told me about this earlier then I would have never held these ridiculous fantasies to begin with and would've never gotten so angry. But in this life, there was never any ifs, what was done was done.

_{And with that, I boarded the plane to return the country of my birth.}
But a turning point will be here soon.

And with that, I boarded the plane to return the country of my birth.

_{Life in Nancheng was neither good nor bad.}There was also not much contact between her and me and regardless whose end it came from it was still a great relief. As for that younger brother of mine, he was still quite little and at that age were certain things were hard for him to understand. So, following our initial unfamiliarity, he later stuck to my side like glue. I was especially fond of kids and knew it was possible I wouldn't have any of my own in the future, so this little brother of mine would most likely be the closest blood relative I'll have later on and made me not mind me hanging out with him from time to time.

Life in Nancheng was neither good nor bad.

_{After sitting in the front passenger seat he then added, "I've booked our family a table at the best hotel in Nancheng to give you a proper welcome."}According to others, my father was someone who greatly valued his progeny. So, all those years ago, if I wasn't still little, and his power and wealth was enough to compete with my mother's father, then there was no way he would've allowed me leave the country.

After sitting in the front passenger seat he then added, "I've booked our family a table at the best hotel in Nancheng to give you a proper welcome."

_{I still remember the the shocked look on my instructor's face from then, his jaw had even fallen.}Sometime later, he asked me, "Xiaobei, are you still planning to come back home and stay with us?"

I still remember the the shocked look on my instructor's face from then, his jaw had even fallen.

_{I asked, but I already knew the answer. My mother still hadn't let my father go. She did go out on the weekends around that time and had drinks with some outstanding men from time to time, but even then, she had not forgotten him—the father I remember, but never truly had met.}
In October, when the weather was no longer as hot, military training had begun. The training instructor who taught us was also one who trained college students in military academies, so not only did he teach us how to march, we were also taught some basic self-defence skills.

I asked, but I already knew the answer. My mother still hadn't let my father go. She did go out on the weekends around that time and had drinks with some outstanding men from time to time, but even then, she had not forgotten him—the father I remember, but never truly had met.

_{Life in Nancheng was neither good nor bad.}After sitting in the front passenger seat he then added, "I've booked our family a table at the best hotel in Nancheng to give you a proper welcome."

Life in Nancheng was neither good nor bad.

_{The day before out military training ended, our instructor had even asked me to exchange contact information.}◈◇◈

The day before out military training ended, our instructor had even asked me to exchange contact information.

_{He said dad twice, the first dad was exclusive to him, while the second was just a common noun.}
Our training instructor was especially fond of asking me to come upfront to demonstrate. I couldn't tell if he did so because me being doing meant the students in line would pay more attention, or if it was just because he didn't like me.

He said dad twice, the first dad was exclusive to him, while the second was just a common noun.

_{So, after living in China for a few years, my mother mother took me to the Netherlands. My grandfather did not like how my mother was like this because she was hurt by love, and my mother was incredibly stubborn, as she took me all the way to a small village where there wasn't a single soul who knew us.}At the airport terminal, there were a lot of people bustling about. Some had just left, while others had just returned. As I made my way out of customs and was about to call my father, he found me. Probably seeing that I was confused, he then explained, "Your mother mailed me a photo of you every year, so that's how I recognised you."

So, after living in China for a few years, my mother mother took me to the Netherlands. My grandfather did not like how my mother was like this because she was hurt by love, and my mother was incredibly stubborn, as she took me all the way to a small village where there wasn't a single soul who knew us.

_N/ASometime later, he asked me, "Xiaobei, are you still planning to come back home and stay with us?"

N/A

_{My mother never answered my question directly, but it didn't matter to me. I would be going there myself to see. I would go see my father and I will go visit the homeland of my grandmother that was always in my dreams.}With pure joy and excitement all over her, she then ran over to me, saying, "Lu Xiaobei, there are flowers blooming here!"

My mother never answered my question directly, but it didn't matter to me. I would be going there myself to see. I would go see my father and I will go visit the homeland of my grandmother that was always in my dreams.

_{iana: flowers blooming/spring is an allegory for (young) *love*. Three more to go, plus the extras.}
One day, after he had called me up again and again, maybe because I was in the sun for too long, because when he grabbed my hand, I instinctively aim a blow at his lower half with my foot, and when he faltered, I had easily restrained him.

iana: flowers blooming/spring is an allegory for (young) *love*. Three more to go, plus the extras.

_{When I awoke, no longer in those memories, I stared at Xiaoya's sleeping face for a long time. That fair face, with its delicate little nose, and little red speckles of pimples slept soundly and probably without a toss or a turn throughout the entire night since the only sound leaving her were shallow breaths.}I was not angry about that part, per se, and this was something common after all. But... a part of me still thought that after I had left the Netherlands, all those years my mother spent unable to forget would've somehow be mirrored here in China. I even had thoughts of the broken pieces of their marriage would have had a chance of being put back together.

When I awoke, no longer in those memories, I stared at Xiaoya's sleeping face for a long time. That fair face, with its delicate little nose, and little red speckles of pimples slept soundly and probably without a toss or a turn throughout the entire night since the only sound leaving her were shallow breaths.

_{Just like it was during my middle school years in the City of Diamonds when I wished to be accepted by my peers, once I held my sincere heart and carried it before them we'd...}To my eyes, on that day, the pure while of that flower, and the bright red of her lips, were the only colours that were seen.

Just like it was during my middle school years in the City of Diamonds when I wished to be accepted by my peers, once I held my sincere heart and carried it before them we'd...

_{The words I had wanted to say in response to him had gotten stuck in my throat.}iana: flowers blooming/spring is an allegory for (young) *love*. Three more to go, plus the extras.

The words I had wanted to say in response to him had gotten stuck in my throat.

_{To which I respond, "Thank you, but I just got off the plane and the jet lag still hasn't worn off as yet so I'd like to get some rest first."}
I was stupefied at that time, so after hurriedly rising to my feet I then said, "Instructor, Sir! A move like that could possibly be utilized by a gangster in an attack as well, Sir!"

To which I respond, "Thank you, but I just got off the plane and the jet lag still hasn't worn off as yet so I'd like to get some rest first."

_{Life in Nancheng was neither good nor bad.}That day, on that quiet mountain, when the stream was cold and the surroundings were bleak, the mountains were just a swath a grey despite the sun shining above. All the colour was gone, and everything looked like an old black and white film.

Life in Nancheng was neither good nor bad.

_{Following this, apart from our initial greeting, not a sound was spoken from the seats behind us. Neither of us upfront had said anything further for a while so an awkward silence had now erupted within the car.}
While we were on break afterwards, a group of other instructors who had heard of the incident had gathered and offered to spar with me one after the other, I had won three times. When they saw I was feeling tired, they went back to their business.

Following this, apart from our initial greeting, not a sound was spoken from the seats behind us. Neither of us upfront had said anything further for a while so an awkward silence had now erupted within the car.

_{Sometime later, he asked me, "Xiaobei, are you still planning to come back home and stay with us?"}According to others, my father was someone who greatly valued his progeny. So, all those years ago, if I wasn't still little, and his power and wealth was enough to compete with my mother's father, then there was no way he would've allowed me leave the country.

Sometime later, he asked me, "Xiaobei, are you still planning to come back home and stay with us?"

_{There was also not much contact between her and me and regardless whose end it came from it was still a great relief. As for that younger brother of mine, he was still quite little and at that age were certain things were hard for him to understand.}To my eyes, on that day, the pure while of that flower, and the bright red of her lips, were the only colours that were seen.

There was also not much contact between her and me and regardless whose end it came from it was still a great relief. As for that younger brother of mine, he was still quite little and at that age were certain things were hard for him to understand. So, following our initial unfamiliarity, he later stuck to my side like glue. I was especially fond of kids and knew it was possible I wouldn't have any of my own in the future, so this little brother of mine would most likely be the closest blood relative I'll have later on and made me not mind me hanging out with him from time to time.

_{But in response to him I had said, "What a pity, you're not even a female instructor." Because back then, I thought I was only into fit, sporty girls who were older than me.}
From then on, when they saw me, a lot of the instructors would approach me to say hello, as well as ask me if I was trained. But the truth was the sparring matches we had that day was won by luck. My age and sex had simply made them lower their guards.

But in response to him I had said, "What a pity, you're not even a female instructor." Because back then, I thought I was only into fit, sporty girls who were older than me.

_{But I had replied, "I'm sorry for not telling you this earlier, but before I got on the plane I received a message from my great aunt, my grandmother's (her mother's mother) younger sister. She found out I was coming back to the country and brought her family to the city in advance, so I think I have to go stay with them for a couple days."}In the days I spent at home, I felt more like a guest. The "lady" of the house prepared sumptuous dishes for me every day and did nothing to interfere with my freedom.

But I had replied, "I'm sorry for not telling you this earlier, but before I got on the plane I received a message from my great aunt, my grandmother's (her mother's mother) younger sister. She found out I was coming back to the country and brought her family to the city in advance, so I think I have to go stay with them for a couple days."

_{But a turning point will be here soon.}Following this, apart from our initial greeting, not a sound was spoken from the seats behind us. Neither of us upfront had said anything further for a while so an awkward silence had now erupted within the car.

But a turning point will be here soon.

_{At the airport terminal, there were a lot of people bustling about. Some had just left, while others had just returned. As I made my way out of customs and was about to call my father, he found me. Probably seeing that I was confused, he then explained, "Your mother mailed me a photo of you every year, so that's how I recognised you."}And the smile on her face as she did so was one without even the faintest trace of gloom.

At the airport terminal, there were a lot of people bustling about. Some had just left, while others had just returned. As I made my way out of customs and was about to call my father, he found me. Probably seeing that I was confused, he then explained, "Your mother mailed me a photo of you every year, so that's how I recognised you."

_{It had turned out he really didn't dislike me.}
In addition, my company's instructor named me the captain of our group.

It had turned out he really didn't dislike me.

_{That day, on that quiet mountain, when the stream was cold and the surroundings were bleak, the mountains were just a swath a grey despite the sun shining above. All the colour was gone, and everything looked like an old black and white film.}N/A

That day, on that quiet mountain, when the stream was cold and the surroundings were bleak, the mountains were just a swath a grey despite the sun shining above. All the colour was gone, and everything looked like an old black and white film.

_{When I awoke, no longer in those memories, I stared at Xiaoya's sleeping face for a long time. That fair face, with its delicate little nose, and little red speckles of pimples slept soundly and probably without a toss or a turn throughout the entire night since the only sound leaving her were shallow breaths.}So, facing him, I smiled politely and greeted him with a dad, only because I was adhering to my mother's words. But that man, whose face was covered with an expression that any regular man wore, had his eyes suddenly burst into tears, making him quickly turn from my in hopes I hadn't noticed.

When I awoke, no longer in those memories, I stared at Xiaoya's sleeping face for a long time. That fair face, with its delicate little nose, and little red speckles of pimples slept soundly and probably without a toss or a turn throughout the entire night since the only sound leaving her were shallow breaths.

_{To which I respond, "Thank you, but I just got off the plane and the jet lag still hasn't worn off as yet so I'd like to get some rest first."}In the days I spent at home, I felt more like a guest. The "lady" of the house prepared sumptuous dishes for me every day and did nothing to interfere with my freedom.

To which I respond, "Thank you, but I just got off the plane and the jet lag still hasn't worn off as yet so I'd like to get some rest first."

_{Pulling open the back seat of the car my father brought me to while he placed my luggage in the trunk, I found there were already people inside the car, a woman seeming to be in her late twenties or early thirties along with five to six year old boy.}
The day before out military training ended, our instructor had even asked me to exchange contact information.

Pulling open the back seat of the car my father brought me to while he placed my luggage in the trunk, I found there were already people inside the car, a woman seeming to be in her late twenties or early thirties along with five to six year old boy.

_{I was very grateful towards him, though, because after training, my life had a few notable changes. The two most apparent was me gaining the nickname "Captain" what a lot of people used, and that the people coming to find me to give their confessions had fallen by a lot.}
It had turned out he really didn't dislike me.

I was very grateful towards him, though, because after training, my life had a few notable changes. The two most apparent was me gaining the nickname "Captain" what a lot of people used, and that the people coming to find me to give their confessions had fallen by a lot.

_{But there was also a frown between her brows, as if there was something heavy weighing on her mind. Anxious people tend to have brows knitted like this. I sincerely wish to caress those little crinkles causing her worries away, for her to have nothing but good fortune, for her to live a long and happy life.}At the airport terminal, there were a lot of people bustling about. Some had just left, while others had just returned. As I made my way out of customs and was about to call my father, he found me. Probably seeing that I was confused, he then explained, "Your mother mailed me a photo of you every year, so that's how I recognised you."

But there was also a frown between her brows, as if there was something heavy weighing on her mind. Anxious people tend to have brows knitted like this. I sincerely wish to caress those little crinkles causing her worries away, for her to have nothing but good fortune, for her to live a long and happy life.

_{It was also in that moment, that within my own heart, the flowers within them had finally bloomed.}But there was also a frown between her brows, as if there was something heavy weighing on her mind. Anxious people tend to have brows knitted like this. I sincerely wish to caress those little crinkles causing her worries away, for her to have nothing but good fortune, for her to live a long and happy life.

It was also in that moment, that within my own heart, the flowers within them had finally bloomed.

_◈◇◈
But in response to him I had said, "What a pity, you're not even a female instructor." Because back then, I thought I was only into fit, sporty girls who were older than me.

◈◇◈

_{"Of course," I responded, it was something agreed upon with my mother when I was still overseas.}
I still remember the the shocked look on my instructor's face from then, his jaw had even fallen.

"Of course," I responded, it was something agreed upon with my mother when I was still overseas.

_{iana: flowers blooming/spring is an allegory for (young) *love*. Three more to go, plus the extras.}At Nancheng High, apart from my Chinese Language classes, there were no other classes that gave me any issues. What did make me feel awkward was the people who confessed to me when I was on campus, or would leave small notes stuck to my books. Coming out in the Netherlands meant the eyes watching you outright or secretly only doubled, but in a country like China, where acceptance of homosexuality was still not widespread, I had no intention of underestimating the curiosity of the people here.

iana: flowers blooming/spring is an allegory for (young) *love*. Three more to go, plus the extras.

_{The lover I had once dreamed of was nothing like her, in terms of looks, stature of even personality.}
I was very grateful towards him, though, because after training, my life had a few notable changes. The two most apparent was me gaining the nickname "Captain" what a lot of people used, and that the people coming to find me to give their confessions had fallen by a lot.

The lover I had once dreamed of was nothing like her, in terms of looks, stature of even personality.

_{After sitting in the front passenger seat he then added, "I've booked our family a table at the best hotel in Nancheng to give you a proper welcome."}I still remember the the shocked look on my instructor's face from then, his jaw had even fallen.

After sitting in the front passenger seat he then added, "I've booked our family a table at the best hotel in Nancheng to give you a proper welcome."

_{I was very grateful towards him, though, because after training, my life had a few notable changes. The two most apparent was me gaining the nickname "Captain" what a lot of people used, and that the people coming to find me to give their confessions had fallen by a lot.}In addition, my company's instructor named me the captain of our group.

I was very grateful towards him, though, because after training, my life had a few notable changes. The two most apparent was me gaining the nickname "Captain" what a lot of people used, and that the people coming to find me to give their confessions had fallen by a lot.

_{It was also in that moment, that within my own heart, the flowers within them had finally bloomed.}
But even though I gained a huge sense of distance between my classmates and myself, preserving this comfort zone wasn't necessarily a good thing for me.

It was also in that moment, that within my own heart, the flowers within them had finally bloomed.

◈◇◈

_{The day before out military training ended, our instructor had even asked me to exchange contact information.}
When I awoke, no longer in those memories, I stared at Xiaoya's sleeping face for a long time. That fair face, with its delicate little nose, and little red speckles of pimples slept soundly and probably without a toss or a turn throughout the entire night since the only sound leaving her were shallow breaths.

The day before out military training ended, our instructor had even asked me to exchange contact information.

_{After I arrived in China, everything went along without a hitch.}The lover I had once dreamed of was nothing like her, in terms of looks, stature of even personality.

After I arrived in China, everything went along without a hitch.

_{At Nancheng High, apart from my Chinese Language classes, there were no other classes that gave me any issues. What did make me feel awkward was the people who confessed to me when I was on campus, or would leave small notes stuck to my books.}
But there was also a frown between her brows, as if there was something heavy weighing on her mind. Anxious people tend to have brows knitted like this. I sincerely wish to caress those little crinkles causing her worries away, for her to have nothing but good fortune, for her to live a long and happy life.

At Nancheng High, apart from my Chinese Language classes, there were no other classes that gave me any issues. What did make me feel awkward was the people who confessed to me when I was on campus, or would leave small notes stuck to my books. Coming out in the Netherlands meant the eyes watching you outright or secretly only doubled, but in a country like China, where acceptance of homosexuality was still not widespread, I had no intention of underestimating the curiosity of the people here.

_{My mother... she had never told me he had remarried.}Just like it was during my middle school years in the City of Diamonds when I wished to be accepted by my peers, once I held my sincere heart and carried it before them we'd...

My mother... she had never told me he had remarried.

_◈◇◈After his explanation, I recalled the words my mother said to me repeatedly for this moment back in the windmill country: It's true you haven't seen him in many years, but when you do, still call him dad, understood?

◈◇◈

_{But in just a couple days I realised that was untrue. The more I envisioned that strong points of that supposed future lover, they could never compare to this genuine encounter.}Life in Nancheng was neither good nor bad.

But in just a couple days I realised that was untrue. The more I envisioned that strong points of that supposed future lover, they could never compare to this genuine encounter.

_{In October, when the weather was no longer as hot, military training had begun. The training instructor who taught us was also one who trained college students in military academies, so not only did he teach us how to march, we were also taught some basic self-defence skills.}
The lover I had once dreamed of was nothing like her, in terms of looks, stature of even personality.

In October, when the weather was no longer as hot, military training had begun. The training instructor who taught us was also one who trained college students in military academies, so not only did he teach us how to march, we were also taught some basic self-defence skills.

_{The words I had wanted to say in response to him had gotten stuck in my throat.}I still remember the the shocked look on my instructor's face from then, his jaw had even fallen.

The words I had wanted to say in response to him had gotten stuck in my throat.

_{At the airport terminal, there were a lot of people bustling about. Some had just left, while others had just returned. As I made my way out of customs and was about to call my father, he found me. Probably seeing that I was confused, he then explained, "Your mother mailed me a photo of you every year, so that's how I recognised you."}◈◇◈

At the airport terminal, there were a lot of people bustling about. Some had just left, while others had just returned. As I made my way out of customs and was about to call my father, he found me. Probably seeing that I was confused, he then explained, "Your mother mailed me a photo of you every year, so that's how I recognised you."

_{I had thought what I saw in her was nothing but the shadow of my former self, and that was why I couldn't help but be a bit kind to her as a way to make up for my past regrets.}
I had thought what I saw in her was nothing but the shadow of my former self, and that was why I couldn't help but be a bit kind to her as a way to make up for my past regrets.

I had thought what I saw in her was nothing but the shadow of my former self, and that was why I couldn't help but be a bit kind to her as a way to make up for my past regrets.

_{"Of course," I responded, it was something agreed upon with my mother when I was still overseas.}Sometime later, he asked me, "Xiaobei, are you still planning to come back home and stay with us?"

"Of course," I responded, it was something agreed upon with my mother when I was still overseas.

_{Under a large rock, she had found a small white camellia with layer upon layer of petals staked above dark green leaves. The flower was not very beautiful, but it was full of life and a kind of vitality that made the thoughts and desire for a coming spring in one's heart sprout.}But in just a couple days I realised that was untrue. The more I envisioned that strong points of that supposed future lover, they could never compare to this genuine encounter.

Under a large rock, she had found a small white camellia with layer upon layer of petals staked above dark green leaves. The flower was not very beautiful, but it was full of life and a kind of vitality that made the thoughts and desire for a coming spring in one's heart sprout.

_◈◇◈
But in just a couple days I realised that was untrue. The more I envisioned that strong points of that supposed future lover, they could never compare to this genuine encounter.

◈◇◈

_{When I awoke, no longer in those memories, I stared at Xiaoya's sleeping face for a long time. That fair face, with its delicate little nose, and little red speckles of pimples slept soundly and probably without a toss or a turn throughout the entire night since the only sound leaving her were shallow breaths.}
That day, on that quiet mountain, when the stream was cold and the surroundings were bleak, the mountains were just a swath a grey despite the sun shining above. All the colour was gone, and everything looked like an old black and white film.

When I awoke, no longer in those memories, I stared at Xiaoya's sleeping face for a long time. That fair face, with its delicate little nose, and little red speckles of pimples slept soundly and probably without a toss or a turn throughout the entire night since the only sound leaving her were shallow breaths.

_◈◇◈◈◇◈

◈◇◈

_{Perhaps... somewhere in in my heart, I was longing to have a father, too.}After sitting in the front passenger seat he then added, "I've booked our family a table at the best hotel in Nancheng to give you a proper welcome."

Perhaps... somewhere in in my heart, I was longing to have a father, too.

_{I was stupefied at that time, so after hurriedly rising to my feet I then said, "Instructor, Sir! A move like that could possibly be utilized by a gangster in an attack as well, Sir!"}In October, when the weather was no longer as hot, military training had begun. The training instructor who taught us was also one who trained college students in military academies, so not only did he teach us how to march, we were also taught some basic self-defence skills.

I was stupefied at that time, so after hurriedly rising to my feet I then said, "Instructor, Sir! A move like that could possibly be utilized by a gangster in an attack as well, Sir!"

_{So, facing him, I smiled politely and greeted him with a dad, only because I was adhering to my mother's words. But that man, whose face was covered with an expression that any regular man wore, had his eyes suddenly burst into tears, making him quickly turn from my in hopes I hadn't noticed.}
Under a large rock, she had found a small white camellia with layer upon layer of petals staked above dark green leaves. The flower was not very beautiful, but it was full of life and a kind of vitality that made the thoughts and desire for a coming spring in one's heart sprout.

So, facing him, I smiled politely and greeted him with a dad, only because I was adhering to my mother's words. But that man, whose face was covered with an expression that any regular man wore, had his eyes suddenly burst into tears, making him quickly turn from my in hopes I hadn't noticed.

_{At the airport terminal, there were a lot of people bustling about. Some had just left, while others had just returned. As I made my way out of customs and was about to call my father, he found me. Probably seeing that I was confused, he then explained, "Your mother mailed me a photo of you every year, so that's how I recognised you."}I was very grateful towards him, though, because after training, my life had a few notable changes. The two most apparent was me gaining the nickname "Captain" what a lot of people used, and that the people coming to find me to give their confessions had fallen by a lot.

At the airport terminal, there were a lot of people bustling about. Some had just left, while others had just returned. As I made my way out of customs and was about to call my father, he found me. Probably seeing that I was confused, he then explained, "Your mother mailed me a photo of you every year, so that's how I recognised you."

_{So, after living in China for a few years, my mother mother took me to the Netherlands. My grandfather did not like how my mother was like this because she was hurt by love, and my mother was incredibly stubborn, as she took me all the way to a small village where there wasn't a single soul who knew us.}
With pure joy and excitement all over her, she then ran over to me, saying, "Lu Xiaobei, there are flowers blooming here!"

So, after living in China for a few years, my mother mother took me to the Netherlands. My grandfather did not like how my mother was like this because she was hurt by love, and my mother was incredibly stubborn, as she took me all the way to a small village where there wasn't a single soul who knew us.

_{So, after living in China for a few years, my mother mother took me to the Netherlands. My grandfather did not like how my mother was like this because she was hurt by love, and my mother was incredibly stubborn, as she took me all the way to a small village where there wasn't a single soul who knew us.}The lover I had once dreamed of was nothing like her, in terms of looks, stature of even personality.

So, after living in China for a few years, my mother mother took me to the Netherlands. My grandfather did not like how my mother was like this because she was hurt by love, and my mother was incredibly stubborn, as she took me all the way to a small village where there wasn't a single soul who knew us.

_{But a turning point will be here soon.}To which I respond, "Thank you, but I just got off the plane and the jet lag still hasn't worn off as yet so I'd like to get some rest first."

But a turning point will be here soon.

_{The lover I had once dreamed of was nothing like her, in terms of looks, stature of even personality.}◈◇◈

The lover I had once dreamed of was nothing like her, in terms of looks, stature of even personality.

_{After his explanation, I recalled the words my mother said to me repeatedly for this moment back in the windmill country: It's true you haven't seen him in many years, but when you do, still call him dad, understood?}
And the smile on her face as she did so was one without even the faintest trace of gloom.

After his explanation, I recalled the words my mother said to me repeatedly for this moment back in the windmill country: It's true you haven't seen him in many years, but when you do, still call him dad, understood?

_{Perhaps... somewhere in in my heart, I was longing to have a father, too.}◈◇◈

Perhaps... somewhere in in my heart, I was longing to have a father, too.

_{It was also in that moment, that within my own heart, the flowers within them had finally bloomed.}In addition, my company's instructor named me the captain of our group.

It was also in that moment, that within my own heart, the flowers within them had finally bloomed.

_◈◇◈
To my eyes, on that day, the pure while of that flower, and the bright red of her lips, were the only colours that were seen.

◈◇◈

_{To which I respond, "Thank you, but I just got off the plane and the jet lag still hasn't worn off as yet so I'd like to get some rest first."}But even though I gained a huge sense of distance between my classmates and myself, preserving this comfort zone wasn't necessarily a good thing for me.

To which I respond, "Thank you, but I just got off the plane and the jet lag still hasn't worn off as yet so I'd like to get some rest first."

_{In the future, when my mother had become stronger and no longer believed I couldn't be taken away by my father again, she was willing to let me go and allow me go see my roots.}That day, on that quiet mountain, when the stream was cold and the surroundings were bleak, the mountains were just a swath a grey despite the sun shining above. All the colour was gone, and everything looked like an old black and white film.

In the future, when my mother had become stronger and no longer believed I couldn't be taken away by my father again, she was willing to let me go and allow me go see my roots.

_{Before I left, I had asked my mother if all the years she had spent holding on to her feelings were worth it, to which she replied, "Love is the most uncontrollable thing in the world. And only when you meet the person for you, when you see him with your own eyes, you'll understand. You'll see for yourself if it was worth it or not."}
It was also in that moment, that within my own heart, the flowers within them had finally bloomed.

Before I left, I had asked my mother if all the years she had spent holding on to her feelings were worth it, to which she replied, "Love is the most uncontrollable thing in the world. And only when you meet the person for you, when you see him with your own eyes, you'll understand. You'll see for yourself if it was worth it or not."

---

Author's Note:

N/A

Notes:

iana: flowers blooming/spring is an allegory for (young) *love*. Three more to go, plus the extras.

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